I'm Not Going To Let Myself Go! Part 4

"There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

  -Anaïs Nin

OK, so here we are again. To borrow a phrase, "Let's start at the very beginning....It's a very good place to start..."

"When you read you begin with A, B, C..."

So first read ("A"):  I'm Not Going To Let Myself Go! (Part 1).

Then read this ("B"): I'm Not Going To Let Myself Go! (Part 2).

And then, you guessed it! ("C"): I'm Not Going To Let Myself Go! (Part 3).

We'll sing later...(I promise!)

***

If you are still with me let me start Part 4 off by saying thank you for being so interested. I am honoured. I didn't originally mean for this to become a series, but I guess verbal diarrhea got the better of me and here we are.

"Yadda, yadda, yadda..."

So I was as big as a bear, was feeling pretty...pretty shitty...and my hair looked like Drew Barrymore's, except kinda different. I was getting close to filling my wardrobe with themed holiday sweaters and other marvelous garments because I felt I had already "gone" so far, I might as well just let myself go all the way.

I sent this picture to Hugh Hefner because I heard he liked blondes.

I wanted to call to follow up, but was told "we'll call you".

I thought that was a good sign.

But something happened fairly recently. I can't really put my finger on it.

No, I didn't discover the secret to magical, easy weight loss. (I did, however, discover the Caramilk secret.)

Shhhhhh. This is the secret.

FRICK, this looks awesome!!!!!

What happened, really, is that I started to re-frame my definition of 'letting myself go". I started to think about that little annoying phrase quite differently. I don't know if it is because of my age, or because my very frequent musings on life are being documented, and then re-read on paper...but I seem to have re-grouped a bit.

What I have realized is that I had been "letting myself go", slowly but surely for quite a long time. And no one did this to me. I did it to myself - although I am pretty sure at one point or another I have blamed everyone else and their mother - and even the kitchen sink and all the dishes in it.

Frickin sink.

And I am not just talking about my outward appearance. I am talking about my whole being. I am talking my insides. My heart, my soul, my authentic self. My health - both physically and mentally. I had let myself be manipulated by everything around me...including my own ego...and  slowly began to not recognise myself anymore. I found myself asking the question, "Who am I?" more often and frankly, I had no idea.

I thought a deep, black and white,  thought-provoking-esque
photograph would be fitting here.

I felt numb much of the time. I didn't know whether to shit or wind my watch. In fact, I don't think I even knew where the bathroom was and my watch's battery died and I didn't have the energy to get a new one. And further still, what abut my own proverbial battery? Why did it seem to be less than at full force, needing to be recharged, or maybe even replaced? And if I couldn't even deal with my frickin watch...well...how was I to deal with my entire being when my energy was dying? When I sometimes couldn't think clearly? When at one moment all was right with the world and the next I felt like it was all so wrong?

But I'm kind of busy...so let's get moving...please!?!?

I discovered that I had literally let my self go. Where it had gone was beyond me. But the first step in fixing a problem is recognizing that you have one, so that was the beginning of something.

And the beginning is a very good place to start.

Yes. We can sing now.

"Do, a deer, a female deer...."

(And you thought this was almost over, right?)

"...ray, a drop of golden sun..."

Smiles,

Lora (a.k.a. "me, a name I call myself...")

PS: Obviously this post, which became a 2-parter, which turned into a "mini-series" is now morphing into a full-blown "screenplay" (Get it? Computer screen? OK, that was really lame-ass). I just wanted to let my trusty readers know that even I need a break from myself once in a while, so I will continue this "I'm Not Going To Let Myself Go" thingy-dingy until I feel satisfied that I have communicated whatever it is I am trying to communicate - but I will throw in some posts "of a different colour" in between.

Post...horse...whatever.

(Uh oh...now I am off The Sound of Music and starting to make sly little Wizard of Oz ones...two of my all time "warm and fuzzy, good memory childhood favourite movies, I am warning you...)   Hugs! xo

"There's no place like....

The Hugging Home."

(OK...that was even more lame-ass.)