I'm Not Going To Let Myself Go! Part 6

Welcome back series regulars! I am feeling pretty good today. Hubby is home this week on vacation and as a special treat he took my older boys to get their 2,347th Nerf "shooter". Again, a compromise I make because they are boys and like to shoot each other. And I hate the word "guns". Hate everything about them.

But still, it is a good day. It is summer, I saw my good friend Sarsy this weekend and we went out, had a lovely dinner with too much wine which I thoroughly enjoyed! This is a pic of me just before she arrived. A little makeup and a big smile!

Feelin' happy. Lookin' happy.
Maybe I'm happy!?!!

We stayed up late, came home at about 11:00pm (that is late!), but then enjoyed some further refreshments outside on my back patio (if you can call it that!) with my husband Rob until about 3:00am. Oh...and let us not forget the big news! Sarsy (it is Sarah, but I call her Sars...which became an unfortunate nickname after the whole Toronto SARS thing, but anywho...she cars me Lars...and no, I am not a member Metallica, as cool as that would be. Soundgarden would be much hotter though).

Soundgarden back in the day.
Guess who my boyfriend is?
Hint: he is not wearing a shirt.

See my past post entitled "That's Hot!" There are three pics of the lead singer in that. His name is Chris Cornell and I saw them in concert about a month ago...fave band, hot lead singer...wicked show...and Chris sounded and looked HAWT!!!!)

My boyfriend Chris Cornell.
Still HAWT!

Chris is also a family man. These are his kids.
And yes he is married. And so am I.

Do you have a problem with that?!!!!!?

But I digress as usual...

The big news is Sarsy went through a divorce a few years back...sucky...but then rekindled the flame with an old (but younger!) boyfriend, and now they are getting married! In Mexico! In the Spring! And she asked me to be her Matron on Honour! I KNOW!!

I took this pic of Sarsy during our dinner.

Then I had some photoshop Andy Warholesque fun.

Ain't she purdy?

I am honoured...hee hee...and delighted. And still fat. Motivation for not letting myself go in the physical sense, right peeps? Bathing suit here I come...and gym...I am coming back! Otherwise I will be wearing an old-lady suit with the little skirt attached to it and perhaps a rubber bathing cap with a nice rubber flower on the side. So sexy and...well...hot! As in sweaty!

Which outfit would be better?

I think I will buy them both!!!

But if Sarsy can go through all that shit and still come out frickin on top, well...so can I friends!

But for the trillionth time, I digress and sway back to my story....

Oh Wait! Recap! If you are new to this Whale of a tale, I suggest you start at the very beginning (no Sound of Music songs this time...I hope!)

Read:

I'm Not Going To Let Myself Go! (Part 1).

I'm Not Going To Let Myself Go! (Part 2).

I'm Not Going To Let Myself Go! (Part 3).

I'm Not Going To Let Myself Go! (Part 4)

I'm Not Going To Let Myself Go! (Part 5)

****

OK...lots of reading about finding myself and not a lot of action. Not in terms of doing what the books were teaching me, not in the bedroom, not in anything. I was not living in the moment much of the time and was watching too much crap T.V. and was more worried about climbing the corporate ladder than really figuring out what the frick was making me feel like something important was missing.

Happy Housewives.
Or are they?!?!? LOL

Was it my marriage that was stale? Was I in the wrong career? Was I meant to be a mom?

Well...I started digging more and started to take a little more action.

I had started a "Discovery Journal' way back in 2002...this is before my second son was even born. It was pretty and lovely and I enjoyed the creativity of it all. But I really didn't do much with it for a long time.

A discovery journal.

No, not mine. I may share that later.

Then I revisited the journal again in 2007. Added some more stuff. Re-grouped. Things were up and down, but at least I was back at it. I was still reading tons. "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle was one turning point. It really taught me to live in the moment. Well...at least the importance of it. I even started attending an in-person book group to go through it chapter by chapter. Highly recommended reading as I think I have mentioned before.

I had my second son in 2004 and had made a very difficult decision after my maternity leave ended. The huge Tsunami tragedy had just taken place and I saw a photograph in the newspaper. It was a very moving image of a mother, covered in dirt, holding her two young sons in her arms. She was wailing in grief. Her babies were not. They were dead. For me, this was an defining moment and I had an epiphany which I quickly proceeded to share with my husband.

I searched and searched for the actual photo that moved me so.
I could not find it, but this one tells a similar story of total
tragedy.

I wanted to quit my job...which to this day is the job I have enjoyed the most out of my career in non-profit association management...and I wanted to stay at home with my little boys. My beautiful, healthy, living boys. And my husband said, "Whatever you want to do.

We can make it work."

So I did. It was hard, but it felt right for the most part. I could always get another job, but I would never get my childrens' childhoods back. (Short side note: Working moms rock! Stay at home moms rock! All moms who make the best decisions for them and for their families ROCK! Please read my post "The Mommy Wars" for more on this.)

My little boys, circa late 2004.

Back to my "Discovery Journal", which I revisited again in 2008. (And I will go into what exactly a Discovery Journal is soon enough...in case you are confused!) By this point I had stayed home full time for a few years, moved into my current home in Mississauga from my home in Toronto - an exercise in downsizing. We were doing what we had to do. We were trying to make it work. Smaller house...but tons more outdoor space for our little boys to run around and play. Did I mention they are really into sports?

But I was starting to feel like I was letting my self go again. I started to feel antsy. Started questioning everything. I missed working. I missed my friends. I missed living 5 minutes from my parents who I adore. I missed (as in was not noticing) the fact that my marriage was taking a back seat to the kids. I was moody. I cried in secret. I ate. I was wishing for a life that included all that I loved so dearly...which I had...but that included a Lora that felt like "Lora".

Sometimes we change so much we have no idea who we have become.

And so my husband and I decided that I would go back to work if and when I could find a decent job and he would work on Saturdays in order to keep his seniority his place of employment. And that is what I did. I found a job making more money than before, more responsibility, more travel. And on Saturdays I became the suburban hockey mom. And my husband Rob and I were pretty much co-parents, doing the best we could, but like boats passing each other once in a while and falling exhausted into bed at night.

Almost exactly a year later, something happened. I got laid off. Restructuring. The economy was starting to really take its toll on non-profits and my job was being split up into small positions in different locations...like BC. Or that is what they told me. I negotiated 6 weeks of severance and benefits and got a glowing letter of recommendation from the CEO - my boss. I cried in my car after I cleaned out my office after that shocking 5pm meeting (I should have known!) and my boss was crying too. She knew I had kids. She knew my husband was only working Saturdays. She knew I had just bought  a new frickin truck for his birthday (which I had not even picked up yet!). I cried when I pulled over on the way home to tell my husband. He told me everything would be OK. We will work it out.

We will work it out. We can work it out.

Same diff.

And the next day he took me out for a nice breakfast and we celebrated the fact that I was done with that place. Outta there. Summer was coming and he would go back to work full-time and I would be at home with the kids at least until the fall. I got EI because I was not "fired", and I then decided I was really gonna find myself now. I was going to get a job using my creativity. Maybe my writing? My home staging? My painting? Perhaps I could be a motivational speaker? Maybe I could go back to school and help people...really help them....become a therapist. The world was my oyster.

First I found an oyster and cleaned out the shell.

Then I found a tiny little globe and put it inside.

Then I took this pretty picture.

"We'll make it work."

And so...on we went. And on I went on my path of discovery.

Am I sounding like a broken record yet? I am sure I am. And that is kinda how I was feeling. But sometimes you have to take two steps back in order to take one forward and slowly, slowly...you will find your way. Your path.

Your self.

Until next time...

Smiles,

Lora