Thursday, September 08, 2011

Mama's Wings

"The Mother-child relationship is paradoxical and, in a sense, tragic. It requires the most intense love on the mother's side, yet this very love must help the child grow away from the mother and to become fully independent."
- Erich Fromm

It's back to school week and as most mothers do, I have mixed emotions about it. My heart is all over the place.

Hold on tight. Motherhood is a bumpy ride.

It means my kids are that much older, that much bigger, that much more independent. This is a good thing. It is also a difficult thing.

My oldest Julian who is about to turn 10, loves his kisses and hugs and snuggles at home...but anywhere in public it is just not cool. I get that. I respect that. But it does not mean I have to like it.

Since my 10 yr old son started to grow his hair I call him "Julian Bieber". This is also kinda what he looks like if I try to hug him in public. Even more sadly, Justin's mom is younger than I am.

Noah, my monkey in the middle who is 7, still will show me affection in front of others - almost to a fault - and I cling to that knowing that soon giving mom a hug or a kiss in front of friends will also be too embarrassing for him as well. Especially as boys, my sons love their mom...but that love is becoming more private, more of an "at home" thing.

As they say, home is where the heart is. Home is where the hugs are.

Of course, I have my little babe Drew who is going to be a year old soon. How this year has flown by! He is really babbling now, is starting to say "mama" and is actually referring to me when he does so.

I really hope my baby is referring to me, and is not getting me mixed up with Mama Cass. Or, perhaps this is his way of reminding me I need to get back to the gym.

While crawling seems to elude him, I know he will probably be walking before Christmas arrives. My baby boy! Walking! Babies don't walk! Come on now! But as I try to hold the hands of time tightly, I know they will still move and my smallest guy will start to toddle. But at least he will toddle over for a hug and a kiss. He has been well trained in that area!

We all try. But it won't work!!!

As I have said before, it is difficult this motherhood thing. Saying it is an emotional roller coaster does not even begin to describe it.

Help me!

I want my boys to grow, to flourish, to spread their wings, to soar...and yet at the same time I want to hold them close, keep them the same, protect their innocence, wrap my big mommy wings around them forever.

"Stay here with me. Always. Forever. Under my wings."

As Ferris Bueller said "Life moves pretty fast....", and as a mom, you both want to get to that next stage where maybe things will be "easier" and you also want to press pause so that things stay the same. A true paradox. So how are we to cope?

Gotta love Ferris. It's kinda strange that he is married to Carrie from "Sex and the City" donchya think?

Acceptance. We have to accept that there is no pause button and life moves forward. And it is short in the grand scheme of things.

Nope. No such thing.

So instead of dreaming of what the future holds or remaining in thoughts of the past, we need to try and focus on what we have. Right now. I go again...but I need to keep reminding myself that living in the moment...enjoying and savouring the the key to relishing life as it is happening.

And even if only behind closed doors in the comfort of home, as long as I get my love...their a mom, my wings will be open to receive them. And I will hold my little ones close.

Until they let go and grab their hockey sticks and ask me what's for dinner and I pour myself a glass of wine.




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