Thursday, December 22, 2011

Santa's Bag of Nuts & Balls

I live in a testosterone-fuelled home.

The people that live in my house. I was taking the picture.

What can I say? It's a man eat woman world here in my humble abode and there ain't nothin' I can do to change that.

Of course...I would never want to.

I have a husband. I have three sons. And then there is me.

And one thing I have learned...and I actually learned this growing up with no sisters and two younger that bathroom humour never gets old with the male demographic.

Young, old, tall, does not matter.

Guys rather enjoy anything having to do with bodily noises, bodily functions and their genitalia.

Burping is funny.

Farting is really funny.

Going to the bathroom is something to be announced and celebrated.

And any word that could possibly mean "testicles"...well...I catch myself chuckling just thinking about it.

If ya can't beat 'em gals...either ya go nuts (Ha! I just said "nuts"! lol lol lol)...or ya join 'em.

Obviously, I have joined "team boy".

A proud member of "Team Boy".

Now I do draw the line.

I don't make headline news out of my need to use the bathroom. This became very apparent when my then 6 year old son exclaimed (at the dinner table no less) that "Mommys don't poo".

I think we were eating meatballs at the time. Ha!

Now, normally I would say "Can we not discuss this while we are eating?", but being on team boy, I thought this proclamation was funny, so I said "Why do you think that?"

He replied, "Because you never say "I'm going poo, or I have to take a dump!"

It's all public domain here. Privacy? Ya, anyways...

Of course...laughter all around. "Mommys do go poo" I broke to him. "We just don't announce it. We like to be private about those things."

"You POO!?!?!?"

"Yes. Everybody does. Now...can we not discuss this while we are eating?"

"Can we be civilized boys??!?"

Now, let's talk testicles.

You mention balls, nuts, bag, sack or anything else that may - in another context - be used to speak of the testes...well...I'm sorry, but it is hilarious.

"Guys, who left their balls on the floor?" I ask.

"Ha ha ha ha ha! You said 'balls' mom! I have my balls! Maybe they are Daddy's balls!"

And I pause to decide if I am going to play or not.

"These are too small to be Daddy's balls!"


"Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Now pick up your balls...they are driving me nuts!"

"Ha ha ha ha ha! Nuts! You said 'balls' AND 'nuts' Mommy!"

Yes indeed I did. And now I am searching for other words...and laughing pretty hard.

"OK you little nut-balls. Stop driving me nuts and put your balls back in your bag!" Ha!

I must say that this particular nut reminds me of something other than testicles. But that is for another day and another blog post.

This reminds me of when my son tried chicken balls for the first time. He said "what are these?"

I said "chicken balls".

Mmmmmm. Chicken balls.

He - of course - replied "Gross. I don't want to eat a chicken's BALLS!"

When I explained that they were actually deep-fried chicken BOOBS, he was not any more inclined to eat them.

So I then said they were actually chicken timbits and that, my friends, did the trick!

"Chicken timbits anyone?"

But I digress...

So it is December and let me tell ya, things really get fun during the holiday season!

This is not my toilet. But I wish it was.

What, with Santa's sack and the bowl of nuts and nutcrackers and Christmas balls...well, it is a veritable garden of funny quips and jokes just waiting to happen.

I used to go and see The Nutcracker ballet every year. Now? Not so much.

And of course, I love to put whoopee cushions in the stockings. That keeps my boys pretty busy and the laughter flowing for a good while!

Not this Whoopi. Although, I hear she quite enjoys bathroom humour.

That's the one.

Speaking of fake flatulence, my arms have been on the receiving end of fake farting contests - one son on each arm - more times than care to admit. Slobbery raspberries going off on each side, giggles getting louder with each one. By the end I have raspberry hickeys all over. Very attractive. And very funny. And then, of course, there are the countless fart apps on the iPhone.

Do you realize how many fart-related apps there are? About a million. I swear! It's nuts!

But back to Christmas for a moment. Some suggested reading gift ideas:

We have this one.

We need this one.

I need this one.

We have this one.

Underarm farts are also fun...except I can't participate. I can't do it. I have asked my son to teach me, but I just don't have enough "boy" in me I guess.

I continue to practice.

As for fake burping, I am going no where fast with this trick. I remember my cousin could burp the entire alphabet to the great delight of my brothers.

I think my mom found it funny too - and as the mother of two boys herself, I now understand why. Poor woman. She is now the grandmother to four boys. Thank God for the littlest - both in size and age - my angel niece. She just may save us all.

This could be my little fire-ball niece when she gets older. Given her brother and cousins, it just may be.

So yeah. I get it. All this bathroom humour is pretty funny, although sometimes I would just like to have a civilized conversation.

Not in my house!

But until then, instead of saying "put a sack on it" I say "let them go nuts!".

I tell them to help me save on gas and fart in a jar.

Cause hey...they're having a ball.

And frankly, so am I.




  1. Funny. I never got into the Farting contest thing...but mentioning balls 4 sure made everybody giggle :P - Thanks Lora....great read :)

  2. This is a stitch!! Lora, You are a hoot... :) Tim-

  3. LOL! You so rock, I needed that light and bright kaka... :P

  4. Hey Lora, it's Lorraine Cash - used to work with you at AXA in North York. Got directed to your blog page by Heather McKim. I grew up with 4 older brothers and have two boys - 4 and 7 - and your blog made me laugh. THANKS.

  5. Oh Lora, the girls out-number the boys here, BUT we still have these moments! Meatballs are always a great source of humor at our dinner table!

  6. I don't have all boys..2 girls and 2 boys and this still sounds like my house...

    Oh the fun...

    Great post, thanks for the giggle...

  7. I can so very relate being the only girl in the house. This was hilarious!

    You should check out my post "My Life with Boys" @

    Adding your blog to my RSS feed. Love it!

  8. All the pictures make your blog very interesting. I also like that you are so open it seems.

  9. Oh God, is this what I have to look forward to when my son gets older? He already thinks raspberries are funny. I blame his dad for laughing. Great post. Polly

  10. I don't know where you came from but this post hit my funny bone hard! New fan!

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