"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all."
- Oscar Wilde
Do you have a mantra?
I mean, do you have something that you say to yourself when you are feeling down or stuck or in a rut?
Mine is pretty simple.
I say to myself, "Life is for living."
That's what I said.
Sounds kind of redundant, I realize, but if you really think about it, it means much more than the words themselves.
I often find myself lost in the monotony of everyday life...the rush of it all...the seemingly sameness of my days...that I fail to savour any of it.
I get up, do the mother thing, do the work thing, do the housework thing...la di da di da...and one day blends into the next as if it is one, long marathon of trying to catch up.
|Basically, I feel as if I've lost my head.|
But what, really, am I trying to catch up to?
The finish line?
Because the "finish line" of the day, turns into the race of the next and so on and so forth.
The "finish line" of the week, turns into the race of the next and so on and so forth.
The "finish line" of the month, turns into the race of the next and so on and so forth.
The "finish line" of the year, turns into the race of the next and so on and so forth.
The "finish line' of the decade, turns into the race of the next and so on and so forth.
So what am I left with THEN?
Besides, that is, being really, really tired?
|Yo! Peeps! I'm tired.|
Well...I guess I'm left with the ultimate "finish line", aren't I?
And that would be the death.
And not so much so on and not so much so forth.
(Now I could get into discussions about the after-life and reincarnation and heaven and all of that...but I am keeping this to THIS life. The one I am living NOW).
Am I really LIVING my life?
Or is life just mostly happening TO me?
And if LIFE is for LIVING...then why am I even asking myself this?
|...THAT is the question.|
WHY then, has this become a mantra for me?
Well...you see...I have always kind of done "what you do".
And what I mean by this, is that I went to school, went to University, got a job, bought a car, bought a home, got married, moved up the ranks in different career positions in my field, had a kid, stayed home a bit, had another kid, stayed home a bit, bought another home, went back to work, bought another home, had another kid, stayed home a bit...well...you get it.
I never dated that much. Here and there. Only had one significant relationship before meeting my husband.
I never travelled much. Still don't.
I rarely vacation. I rarely see my close friends. I don't even go to the movies unless it is something with the kids.
I don't entertain much. Too much on my plate already.
Too much to worry about.
Too much rushing.
I feel like I'm running to stand still - as I wrote about in a recent, very similar post.
Besides my writing, my other passions - which include performing (acting, singing, playing instruments, dance), art, music, my friends...have mostly fallen by the wayside.
I do enjoy watching my boys play hockey...I really do...but it seems to be more about all of the logistics and the money and the who needs to go where at what time with whom and at what rink and rush rush rush rush rush...than the actual enjoyment of the game. For me, anyways...at this point.
I mean, I get it.
I'm a busy, working mother and wife with three active boys. One of them is a two year old.
I am not exactly a spring chicken anymore.
And I know I am not alone.
But THAT IS MY POINT peeps!
All of this life is happening and I feel as if...as much as I write about how we need to slow down and smell the roses...I don't even SEE the frickin' roses because I am moving too fast!
And when I stop...I REALLY stop.
I don't seem to know what to do with myself anymore if I find myself with a few moments of free time.
So I sleep. Or I watch mindless TV. Or read stupid magazines. Or eat crappy food.
Because I KNOW that LIFE IS FOR LIVING and I feel as though I am just rushing through it and filling any free time as if they are VOIDS...because rush rush rush is what I am so accustomed to.
And what is best for my kids? And what will make him happy? And what will make her like me? And and and and....
WHAT THE FRICK ABOUT ME???
What about ME!??!?
Shove, shove, shove it aside because I have to rush rush rush.
Fill any voids because I hardly know who I am anymore.
How can I "just be" if I don't know how to do that?
I try to relax...but I can't seem to do it.
I am LOOKING as if I am relaxing...sitting there...eating...reading...watching TV...sleeping...
But I'm not.
It seems to make me anxious.
I should be doing something else.
Something more productive.
But I'M worthwhile...aren't I?
|Who said no?!??!|
Oh...perhaps that was the voice inside my head.
MY life is worth LIVING...right?
And don't get me wrong.
I am not suicidal here peeps.
I am just saying that I often feel as though I have lost myself. As if I am living someone else's life. As if somewhere, somehow, I got pushed out of my own story and was replaced by...well...by the "character" looking back at myself in the mirror.
|I think this is around when the "Who is that?" stared to happen.|
And the thing is...I KNOW I AM IN THERE.
Intellectually, I KNOW I AM WORTHWHILE.
I know that MY life is worth living.
And by MY life...I mean my AUTHENTIC life.
|None of this is familiar to me.|
But I think they should.
Because life...is for living.
Because the finish line may be closer than we all think.
Not such a simple mantra after all...is it?
Life is for living.
Ponder that peeps.
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