"Clap your hands if you feel like a room without a roof..."
- From the song 'Happy' (Pharrell Williams)
I want to clap my hands more often.
I want to be happy.
I want a roof on my room...so to speak.
Life just feels so discombobulated right now. The only good thing about this is that I love the word "discombobulated".
2013 was a rough year...and I had it all planned that 2014 was going to be better.
And I am still hopeful that it will be.
But so far, 2014 has been even harder than last year.
It is like I am stripping back all the layers of "the old me" and trying to get to the core so that I can build myself back up to a new and "better" me.
And I don't mean a better person. I'm a really good person.
I mean a happier, healthier person.
As I have said...mind, body and spirit.
But it's the getting there that is so difficult.
I want to get out and have fun, but I can hardly find the motivation to do a load of laundry.
I want love and companionship, but I have to learn how to be happy on my own before I can be happy with someone else.
I want to get back to work...back to my regular routine, but I don't feel ready.
I want to continue to decorate my home but making simple decisions are to difficult and being off work is a financial pressure. And hanging a new shower curtain just seems like a daunting task right now.
I am lonely and miss my kids when they are with their Dad.
When I am with my kids, I find it very difficult to deal with the chaos and responsibility of three, young boys.
I envy families who are going on fun, family vacations. I envy single, childless people who have so much more freedom that I have.
I look at pretty women with their pretty bodies and beautiful hair and flawless skin and envy them.
I see people who seem happy all the time and wonder what their "secret recipe" is.
|Dolphins! Maybe that's what I need!??!?|
What keeps me going is my family. My friends. My boys. My commitment to eating healthier and making my health a priority right now.
My desire to create a new life for myself.
I know I am not alone. I know so many people out there have it way, way, way worse than I do.
But right now it is all so confusing. I feel like I don't know what is up or down sometimes.
Having a shower or going to the grocery store or making a meal seem like major accomplishments for me right now.
As I say...baby steps.
Baby steps towards "undiscombobulation".
Hey! I think I just found my new, favourite word.
It is a word right?
Well it is now. I invented it.
And I just may give myself a clap for that.