Undiscombobulation

"Clap your hands if you feel like a room without a roof..." 

- From the song 'Happy' (Pharrell Williams)

I want to clap my hands more often.

I want to be happy.

I want a roof on my room...so to speak.

Life just feels so discombobulated right now. The only good thing about this is that I love the word "discombobulated".

2013 was a rough year...and I had it all planned that 2014 was going to be better.

And I am still hopeful that it will be.

But so far, 2014 has been even harder than last year.

It is like I am stripping back all the layers of "the old me" and trying to get to the core so that I can build myself back up to a new and "better" me.

And I don't mean a better person. I'm a really good person.

I mean a happier, healthier person.

As I have said...mind, body and spirit.

But it's the getting there that is so difficult.

I want to get out and have fun, but I can hardly find the motivation to do a load of laundry.

I want love and companionship, but I have to learn how to be happy on my own before I can be happy with someone else.

I want to get back to work...back to my regular routine, but I don't feel ready.

Not ready.

I want to continue to decorate my home but making simple decisions are to difficult and being off work is a financial pressure. And hanging a new shower curtain just seems like a daunting task right now.

I am lonely and miss my kids when they are with their Dad.

When I am with my kids, I find it very difficult to deal with the chaos and responsibility of three, young boys.

I envy families who are going on fun, family vacations. I envy single, childless people who have so much more freedom that I have.

I look at pretty women with their pretty bodies and beautiful hair and flawless skin and envy them.

I see people who seem happy all the time and wonder what their "secret recipe" is.

Dolphins! Maybe that's what I need!??!?

What keeps me going is my family. My friends. My boys. My commitment to eating healthier and making my health a priority right now.

My desire to create a new life for myself.

I know I am not alone. I know so many people out there have it way, way, way worse than I do.

But right now it is all so confusing. I feel like I don't know what is up or down sometimes.

Having a shower or going to the grocery store or making a meal seem like major accomplishments for me right now.

As I say...baby steps.

Baby steps towards "undiscombobulation".

Hey! I think I just found my new, favourite word.

It is a word right?

Well it is now. I invented it.

And I just may give myself a clap for that.

Smiles,

Lora

I'm a Lover and a Fighter

"I've had some dark nights of the soul, of course, but giving in to depression would be a sellout, a defeat." 

- Christopher Hitchens

I am a lover.

I am a fighter.

By these statements I am not saying I am a sex goddess nor am I saying I like to punch people.

I love love. I love my family. I love my friends.

I also love life.

So I'm a lover.

But when you are struggling with depression, loving life is a battle.

Loving life right now is a fight. And I am fighting as best that I can to get my love of life back.

So I'm a fighter.

When depression is pulling me and my life down...I know that I have to fight. I have no choice...unless I want the depression to win.

And I am not going to let it win.

When you have children, an amazing family, great friends, a mortgage, a job...all of these things...you search for anything to motivate and inspire you.

I, myself, also try the "fake it till I make it" thing when I can.

I try my best right now to be the best mom that I can to my three boys. They are motivation personified.

I seek support from family, friends, social media outlets, books, doctors and specialists.

It takes a village. 

I write.

I cry.

I sleep to escape the sometimes near crippling hold that depression can have at times. At least in most of my dreams, things are different.

But in reality, I have real dreams. Real aspirations. Real goals.

So I put on a brave face and try to laugh and smile as much as I can.

Sometime, my smile is my makeup...

My boys make me laugh and I share these moments with friends on Facebook. I share funny memes and still try to be witty and light and funny.

Because what is who I really am. Even though right now my smile often masks how I am feeling inside, I am aware that my depression is masking the "real" me.

My hair as a visual metaphor for my depression.
I know.
Deep shit.

I don't want what I am going though at the moment to define me.

"Lora...the sad, lethargic, depressed chick".

Those who know me well enough, know that I am smart, fun, someone who loves to laugh and make others smile and laugh in return.

Me.

So I am fighting to get that "chick" back.

Because I love...I fight.

Because I fight...I love.

Learning to love myself through exercises in self-care, is a slow process...but I am slowly making changes in my life to prove to myself that at the end of the day...I am worthy enough...I am lovable enough...I am awesome enough...to fight to get back...

I know I am.

...back to me.

Smiles (authentic ones),

Lora

The "Ex" Factor

“When you part from your friend, you grieve not;

For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence,

as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.” 

― Kahlil Gibran (The Prophet)

If you have been following, you will know by now that I separated from my husband last year.

It has been an incredibly difficult, trying time.

It still is.

It was an amicable split. We get along quite well.

We are managing to co-parent our three boys as best that we can with minimal arguing.

So here's my question.

When I am referring to my husband - who is still technically my husband as we are not divorced (we are legally separated) - what do I CALL him?

I mean, to people I know and who know him - or at least know of him well enough - I simply refer to him by his name.

If they are not sure who I am referring to - because I simply assumed they knew (he has a very common name) - I tend to fumble a little. "Well...Rob is my husband...well...my "ex"...we are separated...it is still new....la la la."

Tongue tied!

But to others...who don't necessarily know his name...is there are proper "label" to use (for lack of a better word)?

For some reason, I hate the term "Ex".

For example, if I were talking to an associate at the office who I don't know very well, and they asked me by the water cooler, "So what are you and you kids up to this weekend?"...how do I respond?

My go-to in a situation like this is to say "My kids are with their Dad this weekend", for example.

But in general conversation when I am referring to him..."my husband" sounds wrong as we are no longer together. "My soon-to-be-ex-husband" sounds wrong to me too. "My ex" does not sit well with me either. I just don't like the term. It's as if he has been "X"ed out of my life - which he hasn't.

"My boys' dad" seems to insinuate that perhaps we were never married at all.

So what do I say?

I know...this is a little thing...not a big deal.

I would imagine and if and/or when we are actually divorced I will use "my former husband" or something like that.

But for now...things are still fresh. The situation is still raw and new.

Less than a year has passed since we decided to separate. And I was married to him for over 13 years before that and with him for 17 years.

I dunno. This is kind of a ramble...but it's just something that I fumble over.

With time...like many things...I am sure it with become clearer.

Smiles,

Lora