Wednesday, March 19, 2014

I'm a Lover and a Fighter


"I've had some dark nights of the soul, of course, but giving in to depression would be a sellout, a defeat." 
- Christopher Hitchens




I am a lover.

I am a fighter.

By these statements I am not saying I am a sex goddess nor am I saying I like to punch people.

I love love. I love my family. I love my friends.

I also love life.

So I'm a lover.

But when you are struggling with depression, loving life is a battle.

Loving life right now is a fight. And I am fighting as best that I can to get my love of life back.



So I'm a fighter.

When depression is pulling me and my life down...I know that I have to fight. I have no choice...unless I want the depression to win.

And I am not going to let it win.

When you have children, an amazing family, great friends, a mortgage, a job...all of these things...you search for anything to motivate and inspire you.

I, myself, also try the "fake it till I make it" thing when I can.



I try my best right now to be the best mom that I can to my three boys. They are motivation personified.

I seek support from family, friends, social media outlets, books, doctors and specialists.

It takes a village. 

I write.

I cry.

I sleep to escape the sometimes near crippling hold that depression can have at times. At least in most of my dreams, things are different.



But in reality, I have real dreams. Real aspirations. Real goals.

So I put on a brave face and try to laugh and smile as much as I can.



Sometime, my smile is my makeup...


My boys make me laugh and I share these moments with friends on Facebook. I share funny memes and still try to be witty and light and funny.

Because what is who I really am. Even though right now my smile often masks how I am feeling inside, I am aware that my depression is masking the "real" me.

My hair as a visual metaphor for my depression.
I know.
Deep shit.


I don't want what I am going though at the moment to define me.

"Lora...the sad, lethargic, depressed chick".

Those who know me well enough, know that I am smart, fun, someone who loves to laugh and make others smile and laugh in return.

Me.


So I am fighting to get that "chick" back.

Because I love...I fight.

Because I fight...I love.

Learning to love myself through exercises in self-care, is a slow process...but I am slowly making changes in my life to prove to myself that at the end of the day...I am worthy enough...I am lovable enough...I am awesome enough...to fight to get back...

I know I am.


...back to me.

Smiles (authentic ones),

Lora

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