Friday, March 07, 2014

The "Ex" Factor

“When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence,
as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.” 
― Kahlil Gibran (The Prophet)

If you have been following, you will know by now that I separated from my husband last year.

It has been an incredibly difficult, trying time.

It still is.

It was an amicable split. We get along quite well.

We are managing to co-parent our three boys as best that we can with minimal arguing.

So here's my question.

When I am referring to my husband - who is still technically my husband as we are not divorced (we are legally separated) - what do I CALL him?

I mean, to people I know and who know him - or at least know of him well enough - I simply refer to him by his name.

If they are not sure who I am referring to - because I simply assumed they knew (he has a very common name) - I tend to fumble a little. "Well...Rob is my "ex"...we are is still la la."

Tongue tied!

But to others...who don't necessarily know his there are proper "label" to use (for lack of a better word)?

For some reason, I hate the term "Ex".

For example, if I were talking to an associate at the office who I don't know very well, and they asked me by the water cooler, "So what are you and you kids up to this weekend?" do I respond?

My go-to in a situation like this is to say "My kids are with their Dad this weekend", for example.

But in general conversation when I am referring to him..."my husband" sounds wrong as we are no longer together. "My soon-to-be-ex-husband" sounds wrong to me too. "My ex" does not sit well with me either. I just don't like the term. It's as if he has been "X"ed out of my life - which he hasn't.

"My boys' dad" seems to insinuate that perhaps we were never married at all.

So what do I say?

I know...this is a little thing...not a big deal.

I would imagine and if and/or when we are actually divorced I will use "my former husband" or something like that.

But for now...things are still fresh. The situation is still raw and new.

Less than a year has passed since we decided to separate. And I was married to him for over 13 years before that and with him for 17 years.

I dunno. This is kind of a ramble...but it's just something that I fumble over.

With many things...I am sure it with become clearer.




  1. Yeah. I hear ya... I've been using "ex" for ease. "My first husband" or "my former husband" is much more of a mouthful... Good luck figuring this all out!

  2. Fully understand what you are saying. For me it was much easier as my ex is well not so nice. haha so EX was welcomed by me. Being in the limbo stage is not easy. I hope you find clarity for this and soon for your own peace of mind. Sending much love to you.