Sunday, March 30, 2014


"Clap your hands if you feel like a room without a roof..." 
- From the song 'Happy' (Pharrell Williams)

I want to clap my hands more often.

I want to be happy.

I want a roof on my to speak.

Life just feels so discombobulated right now. The only good thing about this is that I love the word "discombobulated".

2013 was a rough year...and I had it all planned that 2014 was going to be better.

And I am still hopeful that it will be.

But so far, 2014 has been even harder than last year.

It is like I am stripping back all the layers of "the old me" and trying to get to the core so that I can build myself back up to a new and "better" me.

And I don't mean a better person. I'm a really good person.

I mean a happier, healthier person.

As I have said...mind, body and spirit.

But it's the getting there that is so difficult.

I want to get out and have fun, but I can hardly find the motivation to do a load of laundry.

I want love and companionship, but I have to learn how to be happy on my own before I can be happy with someone else.

I want to get back to work...back to my regular routine, but I don't feel ready.

Not ready.

I want to continue to decorate my home but making simple decisions are to difficult and being off work is a financial pressure. And hanging a new shower curtain just seems like a daunting task right now.

I am lonely and miss my kids when they are with their Dad.

When I am with my kids, I find it very difficult to deal with the chaos and responsibility of three, young boys.

I envy families who are going on fun, family vacations. I envy single, childless people who have so much more freedom that I have.

I look at pretty women with their pretty bodies and beautiful hair and flawless skin and envy them.

I see people who seem happy all the time and wonder what their "secret recipe" is.

Dolphins! Maybe that's what I need!??!?

What keeps me going is my family. My friends. My boys. My commitment to eating healthier and making my health a priority right now.

My desire to create a new life for myself.

I know I am not alone. I know so many people out there have it way, way, way worse than I do.

But right now it is all so confusing. I feel like I don't know what is up or down sometimes.

Having a shower or going to the grocery store or making a meal seem like major accomplishments for me right now.

As I steps.

Baby steps towards "undiscombobulation".

Hey! I think I just found my new, favourite word.

It is a word right?

Well it is now. I invented it.

And I just may give myself a clap for that.



1 comment:

  1. Hi Lora. I know from reading your blog that you are a strong woman. You WILL make it through. It is a dark time...and be HAPPY with the fact that you made the decision to put your health first. Thanks for your very brave and enjoyable blog. Sally-Anne