"Gaily I lived as ease and nature taught,
And spent my little life without a thought,
And am amazed that Death, that tyrant grim,
Should think of me, who never thought of him."
- Rene Francois Regnier
It’s different when you don’t see it coming.
Like an arrow to the heart, it hits you and yet the hole is somehow plugged. The blood does not immediately pour out.
There is a period of shock…of numbness.
Is this really happening? Are they really gone?
Is he really dead?
I just lost a close friend very suddenly.
|My friend Phil.|
He was seemingly in perfect health, but suffered a heart attack while driving and his car smashing into a wall.
He was killed instantly.
It was the day before his 42nd birthday.
He is the one who died but I feel like the one who has had the life sucked out of them.
He and I were closer than most of our mutual friends ever knew. He was a confidant…a shoulder…a rock…and a kindred spirit.
He was funny, kind, sweet, a hopeless romantic a great actor and someone who was passionate about life and about the people he cared about.
I loved him.
So many people did.
He was one of those people that had a way about him. He could make anyone feel like the most important person on earth. His leaving this world so soon is a tragedy for many.
I am just trying to figure out how to process the news. I have never had anyone close to me killed suddenly before. That whole “but I just SPOKE to him!” feeling is surreal. Because I did. I just spoke to him. And now he’s gone.
How can he be gone?
I know I’m not special. In fact, I am probably special in that I have been lucky enough to get through almost 42 years of life without losing a friend in this sudden way before.
But it frickin hurts.
One minute I feel OK and then I am reminded of what happened and I get pins and needles and my heart races and my stomach drops. The tears come. Why did this happen to him? Why HIM?
That is the elusive question. And the “What if”? It is enough to drive one crazy.
But all is not fair in life and death. Shit like this happens. But it just doesn’t happen to my friends.
Not until last week.
And there really is no point to this post other than just getting my feelings out. I always write when I am going though anything emotionally trying and this is certainly no exception.
I could try and have a point. I could try and tie this all up in a nice, pretty bow.
But there is nothing pretty about it.
The only beauty is in my memories. But those are the memories that make me cry even harder right now.
I know I need time.
I know time heals.
But for now I find solace in my loved ones. The people who ARE here. The people who I love. The people who wrap their arms around me.
Because it’s cold. It feels so cold.
I miss you Phil.
|Rest in peace sweet friend.|
I know I have an angel in you.