Anxious, Nightime Self-Talk

"Mario, what do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?"

 "I give." 

"You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog."

 - David Foster Wallace

I know how difficult it is to struggle with depression and anxiety.

I also know it is very difficult to understand either one if you have not experienced them at a certain level.

So I thought I would give you a little taste of what my inner-voice sounds like when I am having a rough night.

I totally can't fall asleep. I'm never gonna fall asleep. Did I lock the front door? What time is it anyways? I'm so fucking tired but I can't relax. When will this stop? Oh shit…is there a PD day for the kids this week? Oh my God do I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow or is it the next day? I know I wrote it down but I can't remember where. What did I eat today? Did I have too many carbs? Did I drink enough water? Oh my God I didn't even shower today. Or yesterday. Or did I? That is so gross. I am so gross. I am fat and gross and ugly. I wish I looked like a Victoria's Secret model. Can you imagine what life would be like to be that beautiful and that rich? Oh fuck - when am I getting my next cheque? I have the mortgage coming out and my Roger's bill is overdue and oh shit I forgot to pay that energy bill that I meant to yesterday. Maybe I should get up now and do that. But I'm too tired. I'll do it tomorrow. I will totally do that tomorrow. And go for a walk. Why is it so hard to go for a fucking, God-damn walk for 30 minutes? I'll put on some tunes and walk around in the sun. Ya know I wish I understood iTunes better. My playlist needs updating and I have no fucking clue how to do that. I'm afraid I will lose what I already have on there from, like, 6 years ago when my ex-husband did it all for me. Shit I'm so stupid. How dumb does someone have to be not to know how to do that? It's like I'm 90 years old. One day I will be 90. Or maybe I will die sooner than that. Life is short. And here I am lying in bed talking to myself in my head and not sleeping because my brain will not fucking shut the hell up. Oh shit. Hockey. When are all the games and practices this weekend for the boys? How will I get through this logistically? I will have to contact some people to see if I can get back-up if I need it. I wish I could do it all alone. I wish I were able to juggle all of this. I wish I were a better mom. If I were a better mom I would already have this all figured out on some spreadsheet or something. And tomorrow I know one of the boys has a practice around dinner time. How the hell am I gonna get him there on time and feed everyone dinner? I'll get hot dogs. And a salad. Because with a salad it is kinda healthy. Hot dogs and salad. The dinner of fucking champions. I wish I had the energy to cook a meal from scratch each night. I wish I even had the energy to go grocery shopping. Do I even have hot dogs? I think maybe in the freezer but those probably expired in 2013. Man…mother of the fucking year right here people. But how can I cook gourmet meals if I can't even remember to comb my hair these days? My hair is falling out. I'm convinced I am gonna be bald in a few years. Shit I hate my hair. So flat and blah. Maybe that haircare line I saw on that infomercial would help. Maybe I should get that with the money I don't have. Oh how I wish I could afford a vacation right now. An all-inclusive resort in the Caribbean where I don't have to lift a finger. But how selfish would that be? I couldn't afford to take the kids. But going on my own - that's not what a good mom does. Plus the mere thought of packing just makes me tired. And yet I am still awake. I might as well get up and write a blog post. At least then I will be doing SOMETHING productive. Sort of. I mean - who reads my bullshit writing anyways besides my mom? Well I guess I have a fair number of hits for someone who has been AWOL for a few years for the most part. Why did I stop blogging for so long? How lazy am I? All I want to do Is sleep to make this go away and then I can't sleep. Until the day. And then I have to run around with the kids or go to work - if I'm working - or OH SHIT! My dad's birthday. I forgot to buy something for my Dad. Like…I have the best dad ever. How selfish is that?!? What a crap daughter I am! I will set my alarm and get up and spend 5 hours doing a drawing specifically for him. That is more personal than the Chapters gift card I was gonna get him anyways. And then I won't have to leave the house. I will just use a new frame already on my wall and replace that later when I can deal with it. What time is it now? Oh fuck, why did I even check? Now I'm even more stressed out and…oh what? Oh you had an accident and wet the bed little guy? FUCK MY LIFE! And of course I didn't do the laundry from the last time he wet the bed (last night) so now I have to wash him down, bring him into my bed and deal with the impending tantrum because I will have to remove his beloved Star Wars PJs and put on less cool sleeping attire. Please oh please let there be no pee on his bear. Please God. And so much for blogging now. I have a 5 year old with 2-sizes too small PJs on beside me sleeping and kicking me in my God-damn ribs. Oh that helps little buddy. Thanks. So now add a few loads of laundry to my list and FUCK. My older boys asked me to get their skates sharpened before their playoff games. But one of their hockey bags is at their dad's. Dammit. OK. Remember to get hockey bag tomorrow after school from dad's. Shit. I need, like, one calendar instead of 3 that I only use sporadically and 1,247 post-it notes stuck to every surface of my living space that it could probably become a pretty interesting modern art installation. Ya know what? I should paint more again. Where are my painting supplies? Probably in my garage which is a mess. I can't even cope with that thought. Ya know what else? I'm gonna take another sleeping pill. But then I will never get up in the morning which is pretty much almost now. And on that note, I really, really hope there is enough Nutella left so I can just give them that for breakfast because then there will be no complaining. Please Nutella Gods…let there be at least enough for the morning. Nuts are healthy, right? Then I will pick some up more and some fruit after I get the skates sharpened along with some hot dogs. But when am I going to do that? Screw this. And screw this blog post. My fingers are even tired. Oh man...I think I could actually fall aslee……ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. 

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. 

Oh shut the fucking fuck up! Where is that God-damn snooze button?!!?!?!!

Smiles (sarcasm font),

Lora