Friday, April 22, 2016

The Dichotomy of "More"

"When you stop chasing the wrong things you give the right things a chance to catch you."
 - Unknown

There is the wanting of more…and then there is the searching for more.

Is there a difference?

Does it matter?

Do you have any clue what in the name of Moses I am talking about?

Well…I've been thinking a lot about this of late.

Actually…I have been trying to separate these two meanings of "more" for a long time.

But I have a little…well…more…time on my hands these days and I have been looking…well…more…closely at the apparent chasm between the two.

Yeah. I know.

What the fuck are you talking about Lora?

I have always been a thinker. An over-thinker.

Sometimes it is has served me well. And…well…more…often than not…it hasn't.

One thing I know is that as for as long as I can remember, I have been on this seemingly elusive search for this "more".

And I think it is all in how you break it down.

Why do I hear a funky drum beat in my head now?

But I digress.

In my recent post Being Logical: It's Not So Easy For Me Apparently, I discussed my recent (and on-going) struggles with depression and anxiety and how I am often very hard on myself and often think I can and should be doing better - even though philosophically - I know I'm doing a pretty damn decent job in life given the hand I've been dealt (which at times has been challenging but at the same time is full of amazing blessings to be clear).

(And just so you know, I realize that was a run-on sentence. I just felt the sentence needed more.)

Because of this little monster in my brain that tells me that I can do more and be more and achieve more and la la la…there is absolutely NO WAY of attaining that "more" - because there is always more to attain.

That is, according to my little brain monster.

A lovely clay model of my brain monster.
You're welcome.

Then there is the other "more". This is the "more" that when I am in a good mind space, is a healthy thing - if kept in perspective.

It is the "more" that makes me the type of person who seeks to strive for personal growth. To challenge myself. To learn. To have new experiences. To set realistic and attainable goals and take action to reach them.

This is the healthy "more".

But there is a line - and that is where the dichotomy lies.

There is the constructive "more"…and then there is the "destructive" more.

Let's discuss this more, shall we?

For example, there is wanting to live a healthy lifestyle through eating the right foods and moving my body. This is constructive.

But then there is that little monster in my head that is rather unrealistic. I look at the chaos of media bullcrap that is thrown at us women constantly and my monster buys into that shit sometimes. This is where my wanting more becomes destructive.

"I want to look like her. And by "her" I mean Gisele Bundchen.

Yeah. Her.
The highest-paid model on the planet.
Because that's fucking realistic.

Now I know I will never look like Gisele or anything close to that…but I kinda obsess about it sometimes. A little too much.

And so I cut carbs and eat veggies and drink water and la la la. And ya know what? I've lost weight in the past. Several times. But even at a healthy weight…and I can generally accept a healthy weight…I'm still kinda thinking, "But oh that face! That hair!

Those perfectly perky boobies!"

I exaggerate a tad. But I just have trouble being comfortable in my own skin sometimes because there are always others who are skinnier, prettier, younger…not to mention photoshopter (Yes that is a word - I just made it up yo.)

Then there is the whole being the "Martha Stewart - Pinterest - bake from scratch - PTA - moms" who make it all look so easy while they make their homemade, organic, gluten-free, vegan cookies from scratch for the bake sale I didn't even realize was happening. And if I do…I buy the Pillsbury ready-made dough and "BAM!" - best damn cookies you ever tasted. (My secret? Add an entire extra package of chocolate chips. Trust.)

But yet again…I digress.

Striving for a healthy and constructive "more" is setting a goal to lose 20 lbs in 3 months with a balanced diet and a healthy amount of exercise.

It's putting plans into place and talking to the right people and networking to get to the next level of my career.

It's trying something a little out of my comfort zone that I have always kinda wanted to try.

It's reading about something I've want to learn more about…visiting places I've wanted to visit…trying foods I've always wanted to taste.

Expanding…not plateauing.

Growing and nurturing myself…not pushing myself back into the fucking ground.

Wanting more is a good thing as long as it is kept within the realms of reality and attainability.

Stretch goals are fine - but not all at once.

You wanna train for a marathon? Amazeballs! But start with a 5K. Then maybe a 10K. And…well…you get it.

Realistic. Constructive.

I think my thirst for personal growth is covered in awesomesauce. But it is a challenge for the person who gets more...and then still wants more.


Because when we realize we can't possibly be perfect we sometimes freeze.

We stop all together.

We give up. We feel like it's no use.

We get anxious and/or depressed.

If I can't be Michael Jordan I'm not gonna play basketball. If I can't look like a supermodel I'm gonna just wear track pants and eat ice cream and watch TV all day.

Again…I exaggerate to make my point - but that is the dichotomy of the search for more.

Constructive versus destructive.

I need to learn to look at the positives and not focus so much on the negatives.

I need to realize that there is always more to learn and experience - but that what I have NOW is enough to be happy about.

Strive…but don't constantly push.

Don't settle for less than you deserve…but have gratitude for the many blessings that you already have.

These are the things I'm working on.

And with each day of personal growth - I'm starting to get it.

More…and more.




  1. Very interesting read Lora. I too have this feeling that something is missing and yet I have so many great people and things in my life. This has led to depression. I am rarely good enough in my own head. You separated out the positives and negatives very susinctly with your usual tidbits of humour. I am going to try and be more aware of these differences. Thank you for being so open and honest. I know so many people (especially mothers) who are too hard on themselves. I will refer them to your blog as usual. I'm a big fan and glad you are back (although I understand why you took some breaks). Take care of you. Marg

    1. Thanks for your comments Marg. Hang in there. You will get through this. Please make sure you are getting the help you need. We all need support. Thanks for being a loyal reader. I'm rooting for ya! Hugs...Lora