Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Weeping and Keeping Positive

"With brave wings she flies."
 - Devin O'Branagan

Coming out from hiding…slowly but surely.

Today I woke up, went for my early morning walk, watched a little Netflix, did some drawing and had my coffee.

I also had a wave of emotion wash over me.

I started to quietly weep.

I was in my bedroom by myself and it just happened. My 16 yr old swung by (to ask to use the car of course) and saw my tears.

My kids are used to seeing mom cry. But of late, almost all my tears have been connected to my depression and anxiety. Sad tears.

So my son asked, "Are you OK mom?"

And I replied, "I just broke down crying my love because I am so happy that I think I'm starting to feel more like myself. I am very hopeful bud."

Needless to say, he was happy.

Needless to say, I am cautiously optimistic. I am exercising almost daily. I am eating better. I am getting out of the house. I am making plans. I'm seeing friends. I am more engaged with my boys. I'm starting to do my hair and makeup again.

I'm writing again!

These are all very positive signs.

And…ironically…I am a little anxious as I'm afraid I will slide again. (IS that irony - or would it fit better into an old Alanis Morrisette song?)

So I'm anxious that my anxiety will start to get worse again and I am doing everything in my power to fight it.

Excuse me…I just got summoned to wipe my 7 yr old's bum because he sucks at it. This gives me anxiety too. Like am I gonna still be doing this when he is 10? Frick!

With my life, it is no wonder I enjoy wine.

But I digress.

So yeah. I think the ball is rolling in the right direction still and it really hit me this morning.

And I may be a little anxious…but that is not gonna stop me. I feel a bit stronger each day.

I do have bad moments and even days…but I am starting to feel more and more…well…lighter. Less weighed down by all the real and perceived troubles of the world. (Or maybe it's the almost 15 lbs I have lost so far with my new regime!).

I am on a roll (or perhaps more of a climb) and I'm gonna act like a stone (or….um…a mountain lion?). Because I have to. It is my only option as I see it.

I've got this.



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