Sunday, August 26, 2018
Tuesday, August 14, 2018
"I'm not a survivor. I'm a warrior."
This morning I woke up at 3:30 am feeling quite anxious. Not too strange.
I got up, took an anxiety pill, went downstairs, watched a bit of TV and then returned to bed and was able to fall back to sleep.
Until 6:30 am.
I woke up again, seemingly with a start, feeling even more anxious than before. It was kind of a feeling that I can only describe as a feeling of some sort of impending doom.
My first thought was that I was in the early throws of a panic attack…and that is when the fear of doom got worse as I worried about my anxiety getting worse.
Which was not a good way for the snowball to be rolling.
'OK', I thought. 'So I have a couple of choices.'
One, I could stay I bed, keep worrying about having a panic attack and this would probably turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Or two, I could take some action.
I was feeling like shit, but I had to choose between sick mode and warrior mode and I knew what needed to be done.
I could feel the storm brewing inside me and I knew I needed to get moving.
When my anxiety is bad, I often get so worked up that I feel sick and throw up.
So I did that. Always a fun time.
Then I quickly changed into my workout clothes and my running shoes as if nothing had happened, grabbed my iPod and concentrated on deep breathing.
I drank some water and I was out the door by 6:45 am.
I turned up my tunes, did some stretching and started to walk. And breathe. And walk. And groove to my music. And breathe. And walk.
Slowly, my anxiety started to dissipate.
I did this until my breathing was under control and I had walked about 45 minutes - roughly 4 kilometers.
And I felt much better.
Because I had one more morning under my belt where I chose to be a soldier instead of a person with a chronic illness.
I decided to fight.
And I fought through this storm and made it.
Because I am a warrior.
Thursday, August 09, 2018
" Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you."
- Oprah Winfrey
|All made up and nowhere to perform.
Some items taking up too much space need to be edited out and some new things need to be added to reflect where you are now.
I am going through this kind of metamorphosis right now.
If you've been reading, you know I've been struggling really hard these past few years with depression and anxiety.
One thing I knew I had to address was the fact that I was not really doing much that I am passionate about - just for me.
I had stopped blogging (which I have obviously started again) and began getting more into drawing - creating art is something I have always enjoyed.
Now I'm ready to address my love of performing. I love to act and sing and music and to be on stage but it has been a long while.
While acting in community theatre is a little too time consuming for where I am in my life at the moment - I am seriously looking at joining a contemporary choir. I'm really excited abut it and hope to participate in this at least a few times a month.
Bringing writing, art and singing/performing back into my life is all part of my plan to acknowledge the fact that I need to take care of my needs and passions just as much as those of my kids.
Like so many mothers of school-aged kids (my boys are currently 16, 14 and 7), passions and interests are so often pushed aside - and this (I have found out) can make life much smaller - less fulfilling.
And I would sometimes feel guilt for wanting to do some things for myself. I'm a mother - isn't that enough?
Shouldn't my beautiful children satisfy all my needs?
In a word….no.
I have learnt the hard way that letting things slide and losing myself in motherhood - especially after my divorce - has been more detrimental than helpful.
Kids need happy parents. Kids need good role models.
Kids need to see that feeding your passions and trying new things (within reason!) are good things and add the colour and texture to life.
So I'm cutting the mother-guilt bullshit.
And I'm slowly coming back to myself.
Which is cool…because I kind of like that chick.
She's pretty extra.
And if you take a look in the proverbial mirror, you will see that you are pretty rad yourself.
Give yourself the time and energy you deserve. When you fill your own cup and give to yourself, I am learning that you then have much more to give to others.