Sunday, August 26, 2018

Silent Sundays: A Day at the Aquarium



Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Morning Warrior

"I'm not a survivor. I'm a warrior."
 - unknown


This morning I woke up at 3:30 am feeling quite anxious. Not too strange.

I got up, took an anxiety pill, went downstairs, watched a bit of TV and then returned to bed and was able to fall back to sleep.

Until 6:30 am.

I woke up again, seemingly with a start, feeling even more anxious than before. It was kind of a feeling that I can only describe as a feeling of some sort of impending doom.

My first thought was that I was in the early throws of a panic attack…and that is when the fear of doom got worse as I worried about my anxiety getting worse.

Which was not a good way for the snowball to be rolling.

'OK', I thought. 'So I have a couple of choices.'

One, I could stay I bed, keep worrying about having a panic attack and this would probably turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Or two, I could take some action.

I was feeling like shit, but I had to choose between sick mode and warrior mode and I knew what needed to be done.

I could feel the storm brewing inside me and I knew I needed to get moving.

When my anxiety is bad, I often get so worked up that I feel sick and throw up.

So I did that. Always a fun time.

Then I quickly changed into my workout clothes and my running shoes as if nothing had happened, grabbed my iPod and concentrated on deep breathing.

I drank some water and I was out the door by 6:45 am.

I turned up my tunes, did some stretching and started to walk. And breathe. And walk. And groove to my music. And breathe. And walk.

Slowly, my anxiety started to dissipate.

I did this until my breathing was under control and I had walked about 45 minutes - roughly 4 kilometers.

And I felt much better.

Because I had one more morning under my belt where I chose to be a soldier instead of a person with a chronic illness.

I decided to fight.

And I fought through this storm and made it.

Because I am a warrior.



Thursday, August 09, 2018

Passion is in Fashion

" Passion is energy. Feel the power that comes from focusing on what excites you."
 - Oprah Winfrey

All made up and nowhere to perform.

Sometimes you get to a point in your life when you need to reevaluate everything - or so it seems.

Some items taking up too much space need to be edited out and some new things need to be added to reflect where you are now.

I am going through this kind of metamorphosis right now.

If you've been reading, you know I've been struggling really hard these past few years with depression and anxiety.

One thing I knew I had to address was the fact that I was not really doing much that I am passionate about - just for me.

I had stopped blogging (which I have obviously started again) and began getting more into drawing - creating art is something I have always enjoyed.

Now I'm ready to address my love of performing. I love to act and sing and music and to be on stage but it has been a long while.

While acting in community theatre is a little too time consuming for where I am in my life at the moment - I am seriously looking at joining a contemporary choir. I'm really excited abut it and hope to participate in this at least a few times a month.

Bringing writing, art and singing/performing back into my life is all part of my plan to acknowledge the fact that I need to take care of my needs and passions just as much as those of my kids.

Like so many mothers of school-aged kids (my boys are currently 16, 14 and 7), passions and interests are so often pushed aside - and this (I have found out) can make life much smaller - less fulfilling.

And I would sometimes feel guilt for wanting to do some things for myself. I'm a mother - isn't that enough?

Shouldn't my beautiful children satisfy all my needs?

In a word….no.

I have learnt the hard way that letting things slide and losing myself in motherhood - especially after my divorce - has been more detrimental than helpful.

Kids need happy parents. Kids need good role models.

Kids need to see that feeding your passions and trying new things (within reason!) are good things and add the colour and texture to life.

So I'm cutting the mother-guilt bullshit.

And I'm slowly coming back to myself.

Which is cool…because I kind of like that chick.

She's pretty extra.

And if you take a look in the proverbial mirror, you will see that you are pretty rad yourself.

Give yourself the time and energy you deserve. When you fill your own cup and give to yourself, I am learning that you then have much more to give to others.



Saturday, July 28, 2018

Life is Love and Other Epiphanies

"You may say I'm a dreamer, 
but I'm not the only one."
 - John Lennon

I'm a dreamer fo sho.

Always have been.

I daydream a lot and also literally have a lot of dreams when I sleep.

I'm also someone who sometimes thinks the impossible may somehow be possible and that perhaps the grass is greener on the other side.

At least I used to.

One thing I've learned of late is that the grass is greenest where you water it. And I have a very healthy and lush lawn of gorgeous green grass and this metaphor is going a little off the rails.

What I'm trying to say is that life is not about things. Life is about people. Relationships. Love. Savouring experiences together even when times are tough.

I've always believed in this…however…I've been off kilter before.

Now….I have been to hell and back heath wise and it may seem like a cliche, but it really does have the ability to change your outlook on what is really important in life.

I have learned that I have some very serious and wonderful love in my life.

I have amazing parents who I love to the moon and back and who have been by my side always, always, always.

Then there are my brothers who know somewhat of what I suffer and who have amazing shoulders to lean on as always.

Then there's my boyfriend of over 4 years. He truly is both my lover and my best friend and that sounded kind if cheese-ball but it's true. He has been my rock during the last few rather shitty years of my life and he has never wavered. He can make me smile and laugh and reminds me why I should feel good about myself.

I got one of the good ones and I hope the universe blesses us with some years without so much drama and pain. In any case, I know my boyfriend will be there - as I will be for him - I hope…forever.

Then all my beautiful friends who have sent me messages of support and who have offered to help in any ways that they could. you really do find out who loves you in a crisis situation.

Last but not least there are my three, beautiful boys. Some days can be challenging - but I'm a single mom of three boys…what duh ya expect…paradise? Well, perhaps in a strange way…but with tones more noise, dirt and attitude.

In a nut-shell, I've learnt that life is about love. It's about people. It's about time.

And it's a very beautiful experience to realize these things with such focus and clarity.

I am one very, lucky gal.

Sometimes hardship has a silver lining.

This is mine.



Monday, July 23, 2018

Short Term Memory Loss and Other Toilet Training Tips for Toddlers

"I thought you should know...I have some short term memory loss.
I thought you should know…I have some short term memory loss."
 - Lora Rossi 
(Yes, I'm quoting myself. What? Sue me!)

Hey...I have no idea what I am talking about.
Do you?
So yeah. I have some short term memory loss.

And I also have some short term memory loss. (It just doesn't get old people!)

You know…the exclamation point is a very interesting little….what do you call it, a symbol? 

Sure we'll run with 'symbol'. 

And the only one that is rather confusing. I mean, you know a period means, 'this is the end of a sentence'. See? That was obviously the end of a sentence. See? That was obviously the end of a sentence. (OK…I'll stop. But it's funny! No?)

Anyways…then there is the question mark which means, 'This is the end of a question.' Simple.

Sorry…what was I talking about?

Oh…sort term memory loss? And the exclamation point? Wa?

Well I want to finish this little lesson so I will continue and then go back. I should be writing this down because I will probably forget the first topic. 

But I digress.

Then we have the comma, which means, 'hold on people, I'm taking a breath.' Like…enough run-on sentences friends. Can't we all get along and use a comma once in a while?

Then…there is the colon. The colon means, 'the part of the large intestine, which passes from the cecum to the rectum and absorbs water and electrolytes from food that has remained undigested'.

(No I did not just Google that. Sorry, what? Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Shit. OK…I meant the other colon. the punctuation mark. Oh..that is what these are…not frickin' 'symbols'! They are 'punctuation marks'!!!!!!!!!! And yes, I will eventually tell you about the exclamation point. And I may or may not have just been reminded that was my point. Ha! Get it? I kill me.)

But I digress.

The colon (to be clear, we are NOT talking about the one up your ass) means, 'Ta da! Here it is!!!'.

The semi-colon means, 'You thought this sentence was over, didn't ya? Well…psych! It's not!'

(Fun Friendly Fact: The semi-colon is also a symbol (in this case symbol works best) that represents the fight of someone with mental illness - i.e., "My story doesn't end here. I have more fighting and living to do.") 

What was I saying again? Ok thanks…the exclamation point.

The exclamation point is challenging because it can mean, 'I'm shouting at you because I'm pissed!!". It could also mean,  'I'm really excited about this!' And still it could mean,'This is very important information I just told you!'.

It is a very nuanced punctuation mark and one must be a bit of a detective and actually look at context and shit to figure out which one it means. Only probably. We can get it wrong and then people get pissed off, and arguments break out and it can get ugly.

So…uhhh…now wadda ya wanna talk about?

Short term memory loss? That's a great idea! Good on ya! And I actually…I uhhh….actually….uhhh….shit! What was I saying? (Yes I forgot mid-sentence. Happens multiple times a day. And when I'm sober to be clear.) Anyways…yeah, so great idea for a topic. And so timely. Thanks for your assistance.

You see, I am undergoing a treatment for my depression and anxiety called 'electroconvulsive therapy' or ECT.

ECT is a psychiatric treatment, given under general anesthesia in which seizures are electrically induced in patients to cause changes in brain chemistry that can quickly reverse symptoms of certain mental illnesses. It's nothing like in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest so don't go there. It…along with medication and therapy seem to be working finally for me…fingers crossed. 

But ECT does have side effects - like headaches, nausea and short term memory loss. And so, I weigh the pros and cons and the pro side way outdoes the cons. I am currently in a place of maintenance treatments bi-weekly and probably will eventually move to monthly.  I'll keep you posted on how things are going. So I will just have to learn to deal with this short term memory issue.

This concludes my post about toilet training tips for your toddler.


(I mean Lora. Or you can just call me Dory. Or Al. Whatevs.)

Saturday, July 21, 2018

Celebrities: Depression & Anxiety

"We are all humans and all deserve the same respect and attention."
 - Lazarus of Bethany

We may feel we are, but are not alone.

This is going to be a very short post…but I wanted to give you a taste of just a sliver of the female celebrities who have opened up about their struggles with depression and/or anxiety to provide some perspective.

I want to show how prevelant mental illness is - and show that 'mental illness" does NOT mean "crazy'.

I know celebrities are human like we are - but these are people in the public eye; people that the public listens to.

Here is a taste:

  • Kendell Jenner
  • Adele
  • Beyonce 
  • Miley Cyrus
  • Dakota Johnson
  • Emma Stone
  • Chrissy Teigen
  • Carrie Fisher
  • Glenn Close
  • Demi Lovato
  • AshleyBenson
  • Khlo√© Kardashian
  • Lady Ga Ga
  • Selena Gomez
  • Kerry Washington
  • Princess Diana
  • Kristen Stewart
  • Kristen Bell
  • Cara Delevingne
  • Brooke Shields
  • Lena Dunham
  • Halle Berry
  • J. K. Rowling
  • Sarah Silverman
  • Olivia Munn

Notice that many of these people are fairly young. I think this is a good sign. People are slowly becoming more willing to give mental illness a voice - because sufferers know how difficult it is.

It also points to the fact that more men keep quiet about their struggles and they shouldn't be made to feel weak or "less than" for having an illness.

There are some men celebrities who have come out,  however we need more men to speak about their struggles as well.

The world is slowly changing regarding the stigma about mental health - but so much more needs to be done.

I thank the people above in the public eye for using their platforms to share their stories.

Some people feel that they don't have a voice - or that it won't be heard. I hope that these famous people sharing their struggles will be a positive trend and a start to change that.

Let's keep the conversation going.



Wednesday, July 18, 2018

Weeping and Keeping Positive

"With brave wings she flies."
 - Devin O'Branagan

Coming out from hiding…slowly but surely.

Today I woke up, went for my early morning walk, watched a little Netflix, did some drawing and had my coffee.

I also had a wave of emotion wash over me.

I started to quietly weep.

I was in my bedroom by myself and it just happened. My 16 yr old swung by (to ask to use the car of course) and saw my tears.

My kids are used to seeing mom cry. But of late, almost all my tears have been connected to my depression and anxiety. Sad tears.

So my son asked, "Are you OK mom?"

And I replied, "I just broke down crying my love because I am so happy that I think I'm starting to feel more like myself. I am very hopeful bud."

Needless to say, he was happy.

Needless to say, I am cautiously optimistic. I am exercising almost daily. I am eating better. I am getting out of the house. I am making plans. I'm seeing friends. I am more engaged with my boys. I'm starting to do my hair and makeup again.

I'm writing again!

These are all very positive signs.

And…ironically…I am a little anxious as I'm afraid I will slide again. (IS that irony - or would it fit better into an old Alanis Morrisette song?)

So I'm anxious that my anxiety will start to get worse again and I am doing everything in my power to fight it.

Excuse me…I just got summoned to wipe my 7 yr old's bum because he sucks at it. This gives me anxiety too. Like am I gonna still be doing this when he is 10? Frick!

With my life, it is no wonder I enjoy wine.

But I digress.

So yeah. I think the ball is rolling in the right direction still and it really hit me this morning.

And I may be a little anxious…but that is not gonna stop me. I feel a bit stronger each day.

I do have bad moments and even days…but I am starting to feel more and more…well…lighter. Less weighed down by all the real and perceived troubles of the world. (Or maybe it's the almost 15 lbs I have lost so far with my new regime!).

I am on a roll (or perhaps more of a climb) and I'm gonna act like a stone (or….um…a mountain lion?). Because I have to. It is my only option as I see it.

I've got this.